Insecurity – One Of The Biggest Relationship Killers

Insecurity is responsible for the large majority of problems in relationships. But if you’re the sort of person who constantly worries about how things are going and whether or not your new boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you, don’t panic! Because knowing how to stop being insecure in a relationship can actually save it.

Insecurity is the feeling of uncertainty or anxiety about yourself, and it can often lead to a lack of confidence and feeling inadequate. Believe me, we’ve all felt it at one time or another. I mean, I’ve been feeling pretty insecure in my own relationship recently. But while it’s pretty normal to doubt yourself occasionally, continual insecurity can hinder our success in life and can be especially detrimental to our close relationships.

Trust issues, jealousy, and clinginess are all signs of insecurity. You can come across as the most confident person ever, but if you’re regularly experiencing any of the aforementioned problems, then you’re probably fairly insecure. When you struggle to trust your significant other and, deep down, you don’t think they want to be with you, the issues just aren’t going to go away on their own.

One thing to remember before you read any more of this post is that you’re not a bad person for feeling insecure. You are brilliant! You just need a little more faith in yourself and your relationship. We’ve all had to learn the hard way about insecurities and learning to love ourselves. And if you’re adamant that you want to make a change, then you’ve already taken the first step by admitting that something’s got to give.

Young couple watching the sunset on the beach


I’m not gonna lie to you, this is going to be difficult. Insecurity problems are generally deep-rooted and won’t just disappear overnight. There’s no quick sure-fire route to solve these issues. But having said that, if you make a genuine effort to improve, you’ll inevitably be much happier in life as well as in your relationship.

01. Realise where the root of the issue stems from

The things we’re insecure about differs vastly from person to person. It could be that we don’t like the way we look, or how much money we earn, or that we’re not good enough in general. You simply need to take a step back and really think about where your insecurity stems from. Knowing where it comes is the first step to help you move on and focus on becoming more secure in who you are.

02. Stop blaming your partner

As much as it often may feel like it is, your partner isn’t to blame for your insecurity. It’s incredibly common to blame them for talking to someone else, or for looking at someone who’s attractive etc. But you need to remember your self-worth and put an end to blaming others. The more you place blame, the more you will push your partner away. Accept the way you’re feeling and note that it’s not their job to make you feel confident.

03. Take some time to self-reflect

Now is a good time to take a good long look at the way you’re acting within the relationship. Do you want things to work out with your partner? Or do you want to lose them? The sad truth is that if you keep up with the insecure tendencies, that could happen. The realisation of this can come as a big shock – but it’s true. We need to rid ourselves of these feelings and behaviours, or it will truly sabotage everything we love.

04. Talk about it

You should feel comfortable talking through these problems with your partner. Open up and express that you don’t like certain things about yourself or you feel like they’re going to leave you for whatever reason. It isn’t your significant other’s job to make you feel confident, but they should try to help you feel better. They want you to be happy and if you commit to working on things, they will too. Your friends might not realise you are insecure either. We tend to put on a show and hold back so it looks like we have everything under control. Be transparent with your friends – they’re there for you.

05. Remember your partner chose you

This is a MASSIVE point and one which I’m still trying to get a handle on in my own relationships. Out of everyone your partner could have, they chose you. They want you in their life and they’re not just going to up and leave. You have to remember this or you’ll continue to drive yourself nuts with insecurity.

Young couple jumping for joy during a sunset on the beach

06. And remember that no one is perfect

When listing all the flaws you think you have, remember that EVERYONE has things they don’t like about themselves. No one is picture perfect. Your partner even has flaws, but do you want to leave them because of them? I think not. Actively attempting to be ‘perfect’ 100% of the time will drive you insane. Because humans aren’t perfect. We’re full of flaws and we all make mistakes. And anyway, a feature you dislike about yourself may just be your partner’s favourite thing.

07. Be healthy

Work out, eat healthily, sleep well and drink plenty of water. This isn’t about making yourself look better on the outside, but about how you really feel on the inside.  Exercise releases endorphins, which plays a big part in your happiness. And nutritious food and plenty of sleep and water can improve your general outlook dramatically. Be strong physically and you’ll build that confidence right up before you know it!

08. Try to be the best person you can be

Instead of worrying about your other half looking elsewhere, you should be thinking about how decent a person you are. You should always try to improve and do better and be better. When you’re actively being a good person, it’ll make you feel great. And not only that, but your partner will want to be with someone who is always trying to be the best person they can be.

09. Whatever you do, don’t make comparisons

This is probably the worst thing you can do for your insecurity. If you keep comparing yourself to other people, you’ll never feel happy because you’ll never BE someone else. Love yourself. Every little thing – your arms, your calves, your nose. Love that you snort when you laugh and your crazy, out-of-control hair. Love your lack of ability to get jokes, and that you’re so creative/smart/funny. You have so many GOOD qualities, it’s pointless wishing you were somebody else. You are unique and literally the only one of you there will ever be on this earth. Never allow someone else to make you feel less than the amazing person you are. Know your worth. You are worthy of an amazing relationship and if your partner can’t see that, then they don’t deserve you anyway.

10. Seek professional help

And last, but certainly not least, sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint the real issues on our own. Occasionally we will require someone with skill and experience to show us what it is. So go talk to a counsellor. They can help uncover some of those things you’re having issues with and formulate a plan you can put into effect.

Figuring out how to stop being insecure in a relationship takes a lot of time and self-reflection. You need to constantly make an effort to better yourself and love yourself. But you are worthy. Never forget that.

Insecurity - One Of The Biggest Relationship Killers

Has insecurity ever destroyed one of your relationships?
Be sure to let me know in the comments below.

Louise x

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  1. Bright snow Loveland
    July 27, 2020 / 1:56 pm

    Well written article, yeah insecurity is one big problem when it come to relationship. Your post is well explained. Thanks for sharing

  2. July 27, 2020 / 2:42 pm

    I have never been in relationship, but of any kind they are assured that insecurity is something that undermines any type of relationship!

  3. July 27, 2020 / 4:19 pm

    Realizing the root of the problem and talking about it with your partner are big ones for me. Always talk it out!

  4. July 27, 2020 / 4:52 pm

    I wholeheartedly agree! Fixing my own issues before getting into a relationship is hands down why it’s been successful!

  5. Lisa at Following the Rivera
    July 27, 2020 / 5:14 pm

    Insecurity is definitely the biggest relationship killer. It’s something I struggled with in the past and it still comes back from time to time.

  6. July 27, 2020 / 5:57 pm

    This is such great advice! I am lucky that I don’t currently struggle with this, but I know a lot of people do.

  7. July 27, 2020 / 7:48 pm

    HUGE relationship killer. What a waste for you AND your partner. Tough to beat insecurity, but a must to have a healthy relationship.

  8. July 28, 2020 / 4:35 am

    These are really good tips. I think it’s important that you pointed out that being insecure doesn’t make you a bad person and that you can work on the issue.

  9. Kristine Nicole Alessandra
    July 28, 2020 / 11:30 am

    This is one of the main reasons why my first husband and I broke up. He was so insecure and was always snooping around my stuff, trying to find out if I was being unfaithful. OMG. It was hell. It was a very toxic relationship. I actually feared for my own life. Thankfully, I was able to get out of that relationship. My kids were thankful that we fled to a safe place, away from him and his crazy insecurities. I think a relationship built on trust is the one that would really go on forever.

  10. July 28, 2020 / 12:25 pm

    This is such a great resource for working through insecurity issues in relationships. I know my husband and I had our fair share of insecurities when we first started dating. Communication was key! Opening up to each other and expressing how we really felt helped us tremendously.

  11. Marta
    July 28, 2020 / 1:51 pm

    Insecurity leads to jelousy. And then jelousy leads to many auful things. Very great post.

  12. July 28, 2020 / 2:43 pm

    These are all wonderful tips! Especially the first one. We really have to understand the root of the issue in order to dress and overcome it.

  13. July 28, 2020 / 3:20 pm

    I can definitely relate to all of this ! The first couple years of my relationship with my now husband, I was extremely insecure. I had serious trust issues from a previous relationship and lost all confidence.
    Better Communication is what saved us !

  14. July 28, 2020 / 3:32 pm

    I think this is one of my fave posts ever I’ve read from you! The information here is profound and spot on. Insecurities pop up alot with relationships and money and it’s not a bad thing nor are you a bad person. I agree that it’s something we need to acknowledge, understand and heal. How your partner reacts to you is also very telling and we all need to learn to trust ourselves more. Wonderful post!

  15. Catherine
    July 28, 2020 / 4:16 pm

    I know there are many people who will find this so helpful. It’s something we have all struggled with. Thanks for sharing!

  16. Monidipa
    July 28, 2020 / 5:41 pm

    Insecurity is good to some extent because it makes you work harder in the relationship and value your partner more. If there’s too much insecurity though, it can create a toxic atmosphere in the relationship and can wreak havoc on your confidence. It can even separate partners who love and care for each other.

  17. Nina Bashaw Photography
    July 28, 2020 / 6:47 pm

    I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY agree with everything you said here. Especially number 4, you have to talk to your partner about what your feeling, they can’t read our minds!

  18. Tiffany
    July 28, 2020 / 9:58 pm

    This is so good! I esp love the self-reflection part. It’s not always them.

  19. July 28, 2020 / 10:03 pm

    I totally agree. Insecurity can ruin a realtionship– within the shortest possible time. You’ve offered some nice and helpful tips.

  20. July 29, 2020 / 12:29 pm

    I totally agree with you. I have seen relationships falling apart because of insecurities. You have perfectly explained all the points which are required for every relationship to work. Personally, I feel the best way is to talk it out. It solves most of the relationship issues. Great Post!

  21. July 29, 2020 / 5:49 pm

    Fear is the root of insecurity and all the residues that follow like jealousy and clinginess. Usually when one form of fear has snuck up on an individual that’s because it grew tentacles from another fear that may have nothing to do with the relationship altogether. This is an excellent read to help individuals take inventory of themselves. Well done, Lou!

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